Family / Montana / Relationships

White-trash garlic bread

Always looking beyond, I was never quite satisfied with what was in front of me

Always looking beyond, I was never quite satisfied with what was in front of me

I can’t get no satisfaction.  I grew up wanting more, and why not?  It was my culture.  Even the Rolling Stones’ Mick Jagger wailed dissatisfaction over a girl dissatisfied with him. He was dissatisfied with just about everything on his plate: from less-than-white shirts to his less-than-cool brand of cigarettes.

Why?

Blame it on TV ads, culture, and all that.  Be cool: be dissatisfied.  So I was.  Dissatisfaction seeped into my soul, but most of all into my stomach.  I couldn’t get no satisfaction from – food.

 

 

My dad's daily summertime haul from our backyard Photo credit: Holter Family

My dad’s daily summertime haul from our backyard

Growing up in Montana, our backyard burst with homegrown strawberries, organic beans, corn, carrots, cucumbers, and my dad’s consuming passion: his dozen varieties of tomatoes, from heirloom to hybrid.

Each autumn Dad hunted and shot a deer – beheaded and bloodied in the basement – fresh meat for our family.  My mom’s cooking won nine top ribbons at the Montana State Fair: breads, pies, cakes, and candies.  The town newspaper even featured my mom and her first-prize winning cinnamon rolls.

Harvest time: my mom's canned cherries, jams, piesPhoto credit: Holter Family Collection

Harvest time: my mom’s canned cherries, jams, pies
Photo credit: Holter Family Collection

We canned tomatoes, beans,  horseradish, cherries, and pears.  Picked free chokecherries from the side of country roads for jams and jellies.  Made pizza from scratch on Saturday nights, watching “Gunsmoke.”  Pigged out on Mom’s homemade garlic bread dripping with melted butter, pungent garlic cloves, and freshly grated cheese.

My cousins feed slop to grateful hogs in Hinsdale, Montana Photo credit: Holter Family Collection

My cousins feed slop to grateful hogs in Hinsdale, Montana
Photo credit: Holter Family Collection

On our relatives’ Montana homesteads, I plucked feathers from beheaded chickens in the kitchen sink and drank milk from cows whose udders I’d pumped earlier that morning.  We played in the pigpen, knowing some hog might be that night’s main meal.  (“Bringin’ home the bacon” really meant something to me.)  It was all from scratch: from bread, butter, and bacon to pickles, preserves, and pies.

Our lives were from scratch, scratching out livings as best my parents could try.

And they tried, and they tried, and they tried.

And yet, in my now-envied childhood world of whole foods and good health, in that age of jagged dissatisfaction my small soul longed for more, so much more…

I longed for…

Twinkies: 30+ ingredients for this cream-filled cake Photo credit: Holter Family Collection

Twinkies: 30+ ingredients for this cream-filled cake
Photo credit: Holter Family Collection

I longed for Twinkies.

Ho-Hos.  Hostess Cherry Pies and Ding-DongsCheez-Whiz.  Hamburger Helper, Spam, Dream Whip, and Jello.   What could trump a Manwich with Pringles and Velveeta cheese?  Fine dining was Swanson Frozen Fried Chicken TV dinners along with what’s now ironically known as  “white-trash garlic bread” – made with Imperial Margarine/(fake) butter, Wonder (chemical) Bread, McCormicks garlic powder, and Kraft (preservative-filled) powdered Parmesan cheese from a shiny green can.  Oh, and pass me the Ac’cent MSG, please.

I craved them all, beyond the hunger pangs in my stomach.

Why?

Hamburger Helper, instant cake mix, Spam: 79 ingredients and counting Photo credit: Holter Family Collection

Hamburger Helper, instant cake mix, Spam: 79 ingredients and counting
Photo credit: Holter Family Collection

I hungered for store-bought, processed, chemically-laden products: status symbols of wealth.  They cost money, and you had to have money to buy them.  So, in my young mind if you could buy that stuff, you were rich.  In contrast, cheap natural foods made from scratch or grown in backyard gardens were obvious signs of financial struggle – my family’s struggles.  White-trash hicks.  White-trash kid. 

“I was no Rosa Parks of lunch-pail integration…”

Worse, in school lunchrooms kids with lunch pails and homemade fare were branded, self-segregated to cafeteria corners while kids who paid for hot meals – pizza, tater tots, corn dogs – sat at the coolest, most prominent tables.  I was no Rosa Parks of lunch-pail integration back then, but still longed – like a child’s nose pressed against candy-store glass – I longed for those 10- and 25-cent chemically-processed meals that would land me in the upper class of my class.

Hamburger Helper, instant cake mix, Spam: 79 ingredients and counting Photo credit: Holter Family Collection

From scratch, my food for the satisfied soul (Seattle, 2003)
Photo credit: Holter Family Collection

 Decades later, I cook everything from scratch.  Decades later, I still struggle with class, social standing judged on the stock I come from, where I was born and now live, what I eat.  It’s a sense of place DNAed into me, longing and yet knowing that no matter what I do or achieve I will never really “fit in” to that higher social class – acceptance – I craved as a child, with store-bought processed food my gateway.

I know better, now.  I know my place.

And yet, my childhood culinary dissatisfaction of our Montana homegrown, white-trash whole foods is now craved by those upper classes willing to spend ‘whole paychecks for local, raw, organic fresh fare.

We are all so dissatisfied with what’s on our plates, craving that which eludes us even when the most nourishing sustenance is set before us, inviting us to eat, drink, and be filled.

And perhaps, someday, to be satisfied...

Signature_80

[Back to “Life Changers” menu]